Bumble

I didn’t have any romantic success during the very brief time I spent on Bumble. I did, however, make some very good friends. 

The only person I would actually say I dated was a nurse who’s name I’ve forgotten, and who confessed to me that he’d killed his father in law for the insurance money and felt guilty that he was cheating on his wife and they were going to get divorced after he’d promised her father (before he killed him) that he’d take care of her. 

The relationship didn’t last long.  He eventually told me he didn’t like me because I was too mean to a bridesmaid at Murphy’s. That was probably a blessing in disguise because I shouldn’t be dating murderers and I don’t have time for anyone who doesn’t understand the horror of drunk women’s high pitched voices for people with misophonia. Also, she was hitting on the bartender who happened to be my friend’s boyfriend, so my saltiness was completely appropriate. I don’t know if he called me after that night because I blocked him for making me cry.

But Jake wasn’t a murderer or an asshole. After our first date, Jake said to me, “you have restored my faith in humanity.” Which was fantastic news because I was half an hour late and already drunk by the time I met him. 

Jake wasn’t into me, and honestly I’m genuinely surprised when anyone is. When I was in my twenties I used to get mistaken for Janeane Garofalo (who was the dog in the truth about cats and dogs) all the time,  with the exception of a grumpy exotic dancer who called me a “short fat Betty Page wanna be” which was fine with me because I probably look a lot more like Fran Lebowitz than Betty Page, so it could have been way worse. 

I love Jake. I didn’t want to date him either, but he’s got this kind of disappointment in himself that is coupled with a fierce stubborn quality that makes sure he will never be truly happy with himself or the world in general. He’s got just enough of what he needs to be nearly happy solidified with his dogs, his brother, and music, I think he plays music, which I can’t recall if I’ve heard or not. 

Jake is a really nice guy who lacked all of the narcissistic qualities I usually fall prey to. There was no spark between us but we’ve stayed friends for years. He never tries to sext me or even see me, but he texts me to chat and sometimes calls and he’s probably one of the people I’ve been in the most contact with during this quarantine. 

During the recent fires, Jake asked me if he could come stay with me if the fires got too close to him. I invited him, his brother, his brother’s girlfriend and their dogs. He thanked me with complete sincerity, and told me that his mom would be very relieved to know that they have a place to go. 

The other day I was talking to Jake, and I told him that I was thinking about getting a job but I’ve worked for myself so long I’m not sure what I even do anymore. He said, “are you kidding me? You’re so good at so many things! It will be easy for you to get a job!” 

So there it is. I didn’t find love or even sex through Bumble, but I did find a cheerleader, and he found a safe place in me, should the fires get too close. I may complain that hook-up culture and online dating aren’t for me, but I’m dead wrong. Any time there is an opportunity for human connection on any level, that’s a good thing. There are no rules against finding friendship on dating sites, and if there are, I’m glad that I’ve broken them all.