Inner Critic (again)

It almost doesn’t even feel like garbage day today, but it is. Along with the boozy kombucha that has been sitting in my fridge since early 2019, I tossed out my inner critic...again. 

Today started three times. The first time was at seven, after being unable to sleep until five, so that was definitely a false start. I loaded the dishwasher, handled some chores, and snuggled back into bed to sleep until the phone rang.

Today #2 started at noon, the ringing phone was my adopted son’s used to be adopted father asking why we weren’t in the zoom call for online school orientation. We’d overslept, it was after noon. There was a flurry of zoom calls and errands, Today Number Two earned its name by being complete shit from its jarring start until its anticlimactic end at around five pm when I went back to bed after driving to Petaluma to get my oil changed, Santa Rosa to pick something up, and back home to try to get more sleep.

Third today began with the cold drooley wet plastic toy (that happens to be my dog’s favorite)being dropped on my face. This was followed by a chortling cry and one adorable bark. He was ready to play. This today, I’m not even going to bother to get out of bed.

So here I am, feeling a little bit weird about waking up after dark, a little nauseous from sleeping too much, and a little self-deprecating. All three September 1sts were kind of bad. 

I am leaning toward being self-critical, as I take inventory of this ultimately failed day. I have to blame someone, and I’m the only one here.  

I’m in therapy, however, so rather than be a jerk to myself about this two nap waste of a day, I forgive myself. 

I did my best. Maybe I didn’t the get the printer ink I was intending to, or even check my email. Maybe I decided to ignore most of my responsibilities today, and didn’t even make art. I didn’t do homework, or read a book. On this day, the first of September, I spent the majority of the day sleeping. 

Why am I so tempted to beat myself up about it? Am I not allowed a lazy day once in a while?  It’s not like I didn’t do anything at all- I zoomed with my kid’s school counselor, I bought my kids sushi and boba to enjoy while we waited for our car’s oil change, I drove all the way to Santa Rosa per my son’s request, and I was able to combat my exhaustion with not one, but TWO naps. I am a success!!

My inner critic needs to go now. Life is hard enough during fires in the middle of a pandemic on an election year. I shouldn’t add to it by getting upset with myself for what? For sleep?! Where do I get this stuff? 

So off you go, you miserable excuse for an ego. You’re out of here. I’m not ashamed of my three part day, I’m just existing in it. I will get a new day tomorrow, and I might just do nothing with that day, too. What I’m definitely not going to do is feel shitty about it.