Pleaser

On garbage day this week, I sent away the pleaser. I like to make people happy, but that shouldn’t happen at my expense. 

I had a friend a few years ago who insisted that she was my best friend. She would constantly invite me to things, and if I declined, she became hostile because I wasn’t being the friend that she wanted me to be. 

When I decided to embark on this year of sobriety in January, it was the final straw for her, because what she really wanted was someone to drink with who didn’t judge her. We are not friends anymore, but it took me years and years of being forced to do things I didn’t want to do to keep her happy. 

The thing is, I have two or three kids, and a dog. She was single and when she didn’t have a boyfriend, that became my role, even though I already had a very full life. 

I always had fun when we were together, but in the months since she stopped talking to me, I have felt so much better. A friendship will always contain a few, “please come out with me I need you”s, but the entire thing shouldn’t feel like an obligation. 

What I really learned from that is that I don’t have to, and won’t again, participate in any relationship on a level that makes me uncomfortable. I’m not here to be my friends’ surrogate boyfriends, I’m not obligated to participate in any relationship more than I have time or desire for. 

So here we are again, returning to Alyssa’s need to use the word “no.”

I’m probably a person too, not just sent here to please others. If I make people sad, mad, or in any way unhappy, well, that is okay. It doesn’t always have to be me who feels uncomfortable so that others won’t. 

Since I stopped drinking and dating, I have noticed that I have not made any regrettable decisions. I’m not necessarily in favor of this behavior, because the best stories come from regrettable decisions, but it is not lost on me how much my desire to make everyone happy, whether or not it made me happy was most evident in my relationships. 

So here I am sober, on lockdown, and truly living my best life. It involves helping people, and I still like to make people happy, but it doesn’t come at the expense of my own happiness anymore. 

I’ve learned something very important during this time. Always walk away from anyone who gets mad when you say no. 

So this garbage day, I’m sending away my pleaser, the person who always says yes, the person who fears the repercussions of saying no. I have learned that there are far worse consequences to ignoring my own voice than there are in hearing an angry voice.