Attention

I missed garbage day because I took my family to the beach. The garbage was collected, and taken away, even without my attention being on it. 

It just so happens that a lot of things will happen without my attention. I tend to be someone who takes on a lot. Actually I take on so much that it overwhelms me and I get stressed out. 

My therapist told me that I have to let go of some of the things. That it’s important to say no, even to things that I love. The world will go on without me. It’s not my job to do everything, and honestly, there are many people so much better at everything.

It’s all about letting go. Last night I dreamt that I went to visit a friend in San Francisco. She told me that she would not ever wear a mask. I tried to convince her but she wouldn’t budge. At some point I decided to just relax and see if I could enjoy the visit, knowing that this was the last time I would see her for at least the duration of this pandemic. 

It was nice in my dream to let go of feeling responsible for her, and instead bring it back to myself. I resolved to not spend time with her, and knowing that I would not be at risk, let her make her own choices. In the same dream, a delivery crew showed up with a mattress and she ended up having unprotected sex with one of the delivery guys (in another room) whom she’d just met, so obviously my subconscious viewed her as risky and irresponsible, but I still enjoyed the visit. 

And so it goes that I have to let go of trying to control everything, do everything myself, help everyone, be everything to everyone. Again. This is my Groundhog Day of a garbage days because I’m always finding new ways to relinquish control. 

Anxiety over other people’s actions and thinking that I have to do everything myself will be the end of me, provided I didn’t catch something horrible in my dream last night with all that risky behavior.