It’s garbage day again.
I dreamt of wearing high heeled shoes on uneven pavement.
A few years ago, my world fell apart one night. As I tried hard to cling to ideas that were not real, I walked the uneven path outside Annex wine bar in six inch platform heels, and I fell. My shoe broke as my ankle twisted, and I bloodied my knee. They were my favorite shoes so I replaced them. A few months ago, I again found myself on uneven pavement in my unreasonable shoes, and again bloodied my knee.
As I woke from the dream, I realized that I neither have to wear ridiculous shoes, nor walk on uneven pavement. I realized this morning that I’m allowed to maintain my balance, I’m allowed to have boundaries, and my life can be easy.
I’m lucky that life’s lessons are made so clear to me. Sure, I tend to ignore them, but it’s not like I’m not being relentlessly shown exactly what I need to see. I choose my shoes, and I choose the ground on which I walk. I choose the people with whom I walk. In essence, I choose to bloody my knees.
This morning I’m sending away the hand that leads me to uneven pavement. I don’t have to walk with anyone down a path that leads to hurt. I’m not obligated to find my way in the dark through another’s obstacle course or fight to maintain balance. If someone wants me on an uneven path in the dark in bad shoes, well, maybe they don’t actually have my best interest at heart.
I choose the hands of the people who love me. I choose to be nurtured and protected and treated with care. Just because I’m invited down the wrong path, it doesn’t mean I have to travel it. It’s no reflection of how strong or brave I am to allow myself to be misled. This must be what boundaries feel like.
Today I’m letting go of the liars and the manipulators, the people who would rather see me hurt than walk their uneven path alone. I can hear the garbage truck coming, and I’m tempted to throw away the shoes, though I’m well aware the shoes are not my problem. I’ll hang onto the shoes for now, they are a great reminder to take the better path.
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