Things I tell myself

Most weeks I welcome the garbage truck. My weekly ritualistic dumping of the unwanted. This week, it hurts to wake up early after two weeks of not having to, so I was resistant at first. I thought to myself, “I don’t have to try hard every day.”

This week I’m sending away the stupid shit I tell myself. Of course I have to try hard every day. But trying hard doesn’t always have to look the same. Sometimes trying hard looks like I stayed in bed all day, and sometimes it looks like I climbed a mountain. Self care is just as important as everything else. 

Yesterday, I called myself lazy all day. It was a full day, I drove to Santa Rosa twice, went to the gym, grocery shopped, visited with several friends, gave people rides, did laundry, etc. I did all of the things that people consider busy or productive. 

But I’m hard on myself. You see, I didn’t like my own attitude. As I slowly compiled my list of accomplishments, I was resistant. I wanted more sleep than I had managed, so I spent the entire morning in a battle with myself. 

It was actually a perfect day. What made it at all questionable was my own voice. I’m really starting to question my own voice. I’m not the monster I think I am. I’m just like everybody else, and we are all perfect. 

So much of my own thinking is wrong. As I travel this road to learning to like myself, it’s important to remember that I don’t always know what I’m talking about. Questioning my inner voice is new. It’s also important. If I’m always being an asshole to myself, I think I’m going to have to send that inner voice packing. Enough is enough. 

The expectations I have of myself are unrealistic. It is never hard for me to be good to the people around me, but I struggle with being kind to myself. As the garbage truck hummed and crashed and begged for my contribution, I struggled with releasing my self-judgment. The battle itself told me what had to go... if I am to be at peace, I have to ditch my inner bully. I’m not listening to me anymore. 

Today is a new day, and I’m going to treat myself with the same unconditional love, respect and admiration that everyone else gets. I may not be perfect, but perfect isn’t actually an option, and I’m okay with that. Today I celebrate sending away my inner asshole, the unforgiving bitch who never sees the best in me. 

I’ve never liked being told to be quiet, but it’s high time I told myself to shut it. Defending myself against myself is exhausting and unnecessary. I may never be my own cheerleader, but I’m at least going to wear the outfit and go to the game.