This morning I’m thinking about self care vs self indulgence.
Nobody is perfect, thank goodness. We all have our little things that make us who we are. Sometimes we call these things our weaknesses, and sometimes we call them our strengths. Often, our weaknesses are our strengths, and vice versa.
My stepmother is very good at keeping her house clean. She washes every dish as soon as she uses it, makes her bed every morning as soon as she wakes up, everything in her house, car, and life is in perfect order at all times. Cleanliness and organization are definitely her strengths. Unfortunately, within this strength lies her weakness. It’s impossible to spend time with her. My children are uncomfortable at her house. Her cleanliness knows no forgiveness. She is rigid in her idea that it comes before everything else.
In order to keep our strengths from becoming our weaknesses, we must remain fluid. If we become so intensely good at something at the exclusion of all else, we fail. Many people are so good at their job that they have no life. Others put so much into their social life, that they have no career. Like everything else, it is a balance.
I think the way to tell if your strengths are benefiting you is to determine whether or not they are stopping you from becoming who you want to be. Do you want your messy family around, just one dog that doesn’t run away every chance it gets, friends, love, happiness? Maybe cleanliness isn’t the most important thing. It can still be something you’re great at, but it can’t be everything.
Self care isn’t cut and dry. There is a constantly shifting universe of needs and wants. Self care can mean a lot of things. It can mean a mineral salts bath, a day at the spa, eating an entire pizza, cleaning the house, paying the bills, dancing all night, or maybe even drinking an entire bottle of wine. These simple acts are important to break up the monotony of our daily lives, and they are meant to bring joy, be a reward, and make us feel good.
Now, if you wind up eating an entire pizza and drinking an entire bottle of wine too often, you will cease to experience the benefits of “letting go.” Instead you find yourself in a destructive pattern that leaves you overweight, hungover, and feeling bad about yourself. The self care aspect gives way to self indulgence, and becomes a problem.
Like the classic addict ever chasing that perfect high, we spiral into a world that isn’t what we really want. Our quiet night in that becomes every night in leaves us feeling like we have no life. Our occasional drinks with friends becomes drunk every night and makes all of our next days infinitely more challenging. It’s important to keep our goals in mind, and be working toward them, most of the time.
True happiness doesn’t come from having a perfect life, and it doesn’t come from giving up on a perfect life. It’s somewhere in between. When I notice that I’m indulging too heavily, I stop myself. I think about what my short term and long term goals are, and I adjust accordingly. Are the things I’m doing in the name of self care actually serving me?
Yes, we deserve a break, need a break and should have a break from doing all of the things we have to do, are supposed to do, and need to do.
Sometimes we take a break to help someone else, other people’s needs are very important. If you find yourself neglecting yourself on a level that makes you uncomfortable, there is your limit. Your needs must be met. Your job is to take care of yourself. Sometimes, it works out that we get to help others, too, but not always, and that’s okay.
I like to check in on my to-do list. If I’m putting everything off in favor of feeling good, I know I’m going to feel bad about it. So I keep my list tidy, but I don’t make it my everything, because that doesn’t make me happy, either. Balance seems to be the answer to everything. Don’t let self care become self indulgence, don’t let the things you do to make yourself happy become the root of your unhappiness. Balance it.
Enjoy a life that supports your long term goals by working hard and staying the course, but for fuck’s sake, every once in a while you really do have to dance all night.
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