Helping

I like helping people. I enjoy going out of my way for others. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve gotten back out of bed, changed out of my nightgown and back into my clothes to go help a friend. I’ve given people the shirt off my back, the shoes off my feet, the food I was going to eat, and the money I needed to pay bills with. I’ve driven and flown long distances to help people. I’ve worked for free, I’ve paid other people’s rent, I’ve bought things I couldn’t afford for people I barely know. I’ve provided shelter, I’ve provided jobs, I’ve spent hours in waiting rooms. Until now, I’ve always considered my selflessness a good thing. 

I had a recent relationship that was an absolute train wreck. I made some serious mistakes. I loved making them. In my twisted mind, everything would get better if I fixed it. I was so excited for things to get better that I didn’t see how much worse I was making them. I poured thousands of dollars and countless hours into making someone whole, and in the end I never even got a thank you. Owing me thousands of dollars, he blocked me on social media and changed his number. Instead of thank you, he said, “my life is good now. I don’t care about you. I’m doing what’s best for me.” 

This was my rock bottom as a codependent. A few hours after he uttered those, his last words to me, I was in a cold plastic chair in a brightly lit church, at my first al anon meeting. I was filled with resentment. 

I expected a bunch of people who would side with me. What I got was a mirror held up in front of me. What I learned in that al anon meeting is that I was wrong about everything. 

He didn’t ask anything of me. He was just living his life, and I decided that I could turn him into a sober husband and father. I set such high expectations that I forced him to lie to me, I forced him to steal from me, and eventually I forced him to abandon me. At the time I only saw his part in it, but now I see that I did it all, and I did what I did because I don’t want to take care of myself. 

Luckily, this classic alcohol/addict codependent relationship was so obvious that I actually got help. I’m relieved to realize how sick I am, and I’m so happy that there is a cure. 

I get now that I owe HIM an apology. Trying to fix, change, or control someone is not cool. Maybe he actually didn’t want to be in a family with me, maybe he just liked hanging out with me sometimes. Maybe he loved me. I have no idea, because I don’t read minds, and I suspect he only ever told me what he thought I wanted to hear. I made so many mistakes, I did so much damage. It’s so depressing, but it gives me hope. Hope for myself and hope for future relationships. 

Without the self love, the self care, we are filled with expectations. I can’t say, “I gave you everything, now give me what I want.” If the person had the ability to give back, they likely wouldn’t have needed so much to begin with. And I had no business giving it, or asking for anything in return. Refusing to take care of myself and then resenting someone for not taking care of me is a stupid plan. 

I have to be selfish and strong enough to take care of myself. I have to say no. I have to have a complete sense of self, including boundaries. I can’t just empty myself and ask another to fill me back up. 

This is what they mean by you have to love yourself in order to love someone else. It means you have to care for yourself. First. And once you are complete and happy, if someone isn’t who you want to be with, walk away. 

Changing someone isn’t an option. And if you think you need something from someone, you’re wrong. Taking care of you is your job. I’ve been messing this up for decades. 

When they tell me to be selfish, it doesn’t mean be greedy. It means put yourself first, and then you can actually give without resentment, love without conditions, and enjoy a healthy relationship between two healthy and whole people who work hard to take care of themselves and actually have something left over to give. Maybe that’s true love. 

If you still think you’re being wronged by the alcoholic/addict in your life, I urge you to get to a meeting. Things get much better.