It’s not garbage day anymore, and I was so busy preparing for the power outage that never came that I almost forgot to send something away.
Looking back, and inward, I did send something away. I sent away my self-loathing this week.
On my way to therapy, I wanted to stop and get coffee, but I was somehow in a strange outfit that reminded me of taking dressage lessons as a kid. It was a rushed morning and I grabbed strange clothes I don’t normally wear. Gym pants with boots and a puffy coat that I had to keep zipped up because there was no shirt involved.
I told my therapist that I hadn’t had coffee because I was too vain to get out of my car like this. She told me that wasn’t actually vanity, that was insecurity.
Oh.
I thought I was obsessed with my looks because I’m uncomfortable being in public looking bad. No. That’s insecurity. Vanity would trick me into thinking I look good all the time. That’s alcohol’s job.
So anyway, I’ve been looking horrible lately, and those of you who have seen me in public can attest to this. But it’s actually a very good sign. I’m getting healthy enough to be ugly in public. I’m getting SECURE enough to leave my house without makeup. In English riding pants, with or without a shirt.
This is a new found freedom. I don’t hate myself so much that I can’t exist without looking pretty. So I’m sending away self-loathing, and I’m allowed to get coffee in equestrian costume if I want to.
Now I’m not saying that I’m going to try to look bad all the time, but if I do happen to wind up in a crazy outfit, I’m still worthy of coffee. It’s garbage day, and I’m sending away insecurity that I mistook for vanity. Therapy is helpful.
Comments
Post a Comment