Love

I’m thinking about love this afternoon. I would have been thinking about it this morning, but I spent four hours on the phone with a man who doesn’t want a relationship with me, whom I have never met, and was up until sunrise. So this is my morning. And I’m at peace in this morning.

Each time our heart gets broken, we feel like there is no way we could ever live through it again. The truth is, we will love again, and more than likely, our heart will be destroyed by it. It’s completely safe for those of us who choose not to live there, in the wreckage of our past relationships. 

As my memories of past relationships fade, I’m grateful for my bad memory. I love to forget. The past is my candy jar, and I can sift through it and choose my favorites. Not all of my memories are good, and I’m only taking with me the ones that bring me joy. 

There are an infinite number of chances in life. Every day, we are born again into this world with all of the options at our disposal. I love love, in all of its incarnations, especially the kind that hurts when it ends. 

But life isn’t about one true love that makes us whole. It’s about the thousands of loves that keep us going. Love for our families, our friends, our homes, our music, our learning, cheese, shoes, travel. It isn’t actually inside us, it’s through us, around us, and all over us. Sometimes it’s painful, beautiful, messy, or ugly. It’s never perfect. 

The only time I have ever felt truly lonely is when I was married. There is no end game. Our hearts change and grow and get sick and recover just like anything else. It’s a very long life, and we have lots of time to learn, make mistakes, fall down, and get back up again. 

I’ve been very lucky in love. There is always an abundance of love in my life. I’m good at giving and receiving love. My heart is likely so full it could burst at any moment. As I wander through life, creating relationships with people, I get to feel the strength of this love. 

I remember a conversation with my father when I was a teenager. He said to me that relationships have very little to do with love. He said that his marriage was a partnership, and they worked well together, and he was happy. At the end of his life, he bailed on that partnership, and chose love. Faced with his own mortality, he began to do volunteer work with the Dalai Lama and travel the world helping people with the woman he loved. What I learned from him was that everything changes. What may be important to you one day, or year, or decade, may hold no meaning for you as you re-examine your ongoing changes in needs. 

So yeah, hearts break. Relationships end. We do our best to love and forgive the people and stay focused on the things that make us happy. Stay calm. Whether you are talking all night with someone you aren’t sleeping with, or sleeping with someone who won’t talk to you, the universe is doing its thing. You have no control over any of it, and that’s perfect. 

None of this is wasted, or unimportant. Each broken heart brings self discovery. We grow, we change, we learn, we cry, scream, break. And then we love again.

#garbageday