This week on garbage day, I was hosting a sleepover for a bunch of kids, so I'm a bit late with my musings. Thank you for your patience.
I'm ditching punishment this week. Sending it away with all of the string cheese wrappers and leftover cauliflower mac n cheese I accidentally left out overnight. Months ago I was listening to a talk in which the woman speaking was talking about why we do the things we do, and how to know if we are doing the "right" thing. She told me that when we are doing something wrong, we can FEEL it. I agreed with her at the time, but it really just sunk in completely.
Punishment is tempting. Someone has wronged me, and the temptation to retaliate is strong. But when I think about this seemingly well-deserved punishment, how do I feel?
I feel gross. Mean, ugly, hateful. I can brush aside those ugly feelings by laughing, and making excuses for why he/she deserves this ugly treatment. The truth is, it feels horrible inside me, at the gut level. I know punishment is wrong, even when it's funny.
I'm pretty lazy, so my punishment comes in the form of words. I rarely DO anything mean, but boy oh boy can I say horrible things. My wit was a gift passed down through generations of marginalized relatives, Russian Austrian Jews from Liverpool, who handed me a wicked sense of humor to be fine-tuned by my mother, who was raised by violent alcoholic Irish Catholic immigrants. I will say absolutely anything.
Luckily, I'm not an asshole. I care about people, and rarely go on the offensive. My defensive game is so powerful, however, that I rarely get to use it. Which brings me back to punishment. It would be fantastic if I only punished wrong-doers. The sad fact is that because I don't actually like to hurt people, I mostly only punish myself. My cutting wit and cruel humor are focused squarely on myself.
This trait that I find too horrifying to unleash on others is my dark inner voice, and sadly, I use it to punish myself. I'm fucking mean to me. So I was realizing that if I have the maturity and compassion to not use my dark side against others, I think that it's time that I learn to not use it on myself, either. I'm a person, it turns out, too. I deserve the same compassion and protection I give to others.
It's garbage day, and I'm sending away punishment, punishment of others, and more importantly, punishment of myself. I'm going to extend my live and let live attitude to include my own self. Maybe I'm not exactly where I want to be in my growth, but I'm going to go ahead and let myself off the hook. I don't want to behave in a way that makes me feel gross, I want to feel love, and joy, birds chirping, butterflies fluttering, flowers blooming.
I don't want to punish myself anymore, just as I don't want to punish anyone. Punishment isn't actually helpful. Forgiveness is where it's at. As embarrassed as I am for some of the choices I've made in the past, I don't need to punish anyone for those choices. Instead I choose to forgive, which gives me the fluttery feeling I'm longing for, even if it isn't half as funny. Plenty of other things are funny.
I'm ditching punishment this week. Sending it away with all of the string cheese wrappers and leftover cauliflower mac n cheese I accidentally left out overnight. Months ago I was listening to a talk in which the woman speaking was talking about why we do the things we do, and how to know if we are doing the "right" thing. She told me that when we are doing something wrong, we can FEEL it. I agreed with her at the time, but it really just sunk in completely.
Punishment is tempting. Someone has wronged me, and the temptation to retaliate is strong. But when I think about this seemingly well-deserved punishment, how do I feel?
I feel gross. Mean, ugly, hateful. I can brush aside those ugly feelings by laughing, and making excuses for why he/she deserves this ugly treatment. The truth is, it feels horrible inside me, at the gut level. I know punishment is wrong, even when it's funny.
I'm pretty lazy, so my punishment comes in the form of words. I rarely DO anything mean, but boy oh boy can I say horrible things. My wit was a gift passed down through generations of marginalized relatives, Russian Austrian Jews from Liverpool, who handed me a wicked sense of humor to be fine-tuned by my mother, who was raised by violent alcoholic Irish Catholic immigrants. I will say absolutely anything.
Luckily, I'm not an asshole. I care about people, and rarely go on the offensive. My defensive game is so powerful, however, that I rarely get to use it. Which brings me back to punishment. It would be fantastic if I only punished wrong-doers. The sad fact is that because I don't actually like to hurt people, I mostly only punish myself. My cutting wit and cruel humor are focused squarely on myself.
This trait that I find too horrifying to unleash on others is my dark inner voice, and sadly, I use it to punish myself. I'm fucking mean to me. So I was realizing that if I have the maturity and compassion to not use my dark side against others, I think that it's time that I learn to not use it on myself, either. I'm a person, it turns out, too. I deserve the same compassion and protection I give to others.
It's garbage day, and I'm sending away punishment, punishment of others, and more importantly, punishment of myself. I'm going to extend my live and let live attitude to include my own self. Maybe I'm not exactly where I want to be in my growth, but I'm going to go ahead and let myself off the hook. I don't want to behave in a way that makes me feel gross, I want to feel love, and joy, birds chirping, butterflies fluttering, flowers blooming.
I don't want to punish myself anymore, just as I don't want to punish anyone. Punishment isn't actually helpful. Forgiveness is where it's at. As embarrassed as I am for some of the choices I've made in the past, I don't need to punish anyone for those choices. Instead I choose to forgive, which gives me the fluttery feeling I'm longing for, even if it isn't half as funny. Plenty of other things are funny.
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