After spending three days trying to figure out what to do about a current conflict with my ex, I finally came to the same conclusion that I always do when I'm trying to figure out how to change someone's behavior. I can't control anyone but myself, and I definitely can't control the way anyone behaves toward me. What it always comes down to is that I have to change my own behavior, set healthy boundaries, and do the self-work that makes me impervious to the challenges I previously struggled with.
As a mother who shares custody, I have to remember a few very important things.
The first is that he has no intention of making things better, because he feeds on the energy he creates by upsetting people. Why would he want that to stop? He feels powerful when he is able to make the people around him feel bad, this is his success, not something he wants to avoid.
Second, he lacks empathy. Trying to appeal to him by making him understand the feelings of others will never work. He has no interest in how other people feel. He is entirely self-focused, so other people are merely an extension of himself, and he is unhappy, so everyone should be.
Finally I realized that the only way to change the behavior of a person who has no empathy is with real consequences. I can beg and plead with him, but until the court paperwork shows up, or the police get involved, or cps is called, he will not alter his behavior. He doesn't care about anyone but himself, so only through personal consequences will he find change in his best interest. He won't change until something happens to him.
There is nothing I can say, beg for, reason with, or do to change his behavior. Instead, I must step back, set boundaries, take care of myself, and let him suffer the consequences of his actions. Just like telling an alcoholic that you are worried about her, that she is hurting you, that she is impacting you or her children does not stop her drinking, but a DUI does, someone who only cares about herself will only find the desire to change through consequences. Your hurt feelings are not a consequence.
Now we're back to me. If I am not happy with the way things are going, it is up to me to let go of the upset, stop begging for change, stop trying to reason with him. It's my job to set boundaries that protect me and allow him to suffer his own consequences. It is not my job to protect him from these consequences. This is why there are laws. This is why there are punishments for crimes. Some people are not guided by their own sense of right and wrong. They are solely motivated by self-preservation, and he is one of them. His desire to preserve himself and stay out of trouble is likely the only thing that will incite change.
I said a few days ago, "the only way he can hurt me is with the kids, so he does." What it took me three days to realize is that he can't hurt me if I don't let him. If I no longer allow the hurt, if I let it go, he has nothing left. If I stop being hurt by him, angry at him, if I stop trying to reason with him, if I simply let go and live a loving life filled with joy, no matter what he does, I am free. I talk all day long about how he blames me for everything, yet I'm guilty of blaming him for something that isn't his responsibility, my upset.
He uses anger, guilt and shame to control people around him, always the victim. He counts on the kindness and sympathy of others to get what he wants, absolving himself of all responsibility for his own condition with stories of the repeated victimization that caused him to behave the way he has. He is angry because YOU make him angry. He justifies his bad behavior by making others responsible for it. Guilt, shame, and sympathy are powerful tools against kind people. Tools that don't work on me anymore. Not because I'm less kind, but because I'm only taking responsibility for myself. His problems are not my fault, and I refuse to accept blame for them.
I'm letting go of this guilt, this worry, this anger, and I am rejecting this blame. These emotions are not my own. I allowed him to bully and control me for much too long. They aren't my emotions, they are what he wrongly assigned to me because I let him. I am responsible for my own emotions, and he is responsible for his own actions, and though I have set boundaries that are uncomfortable for him, I have actually done nothing to him. I'm not fighting for my kids with him anymore, I'm choosing to not fight with him FOR my kids.
This morning I feel at peace. My motives are not so different from his, really... Self-preservation. This is a process. Untangling oneself after almost sixteen years of abuse and the thinking that kept me in it has not been easy. I've stumbled and even repeated the relationship in various ways, I was more comfortable being used and abused than I was being on my own. It's important to see people for who they are, and even more important to know oneself, and take responsibility for what we do that allows us to be manipulated, because it's definitely a two way street. There is only one person who controls me, and it's me. It always comes back to me.
As a mother who shares custody, I have to remember a few very important things.
The first is that he has no intention of making things better, because he feeds on the energy he creates by upsetting people. Why would he want that to stop? He feels powerful when he is able to make the people around him feel bad, this is his success, not something he wants to avoid.
Second, he lacks empathy. Trying to appeal to him by making him understand the feelings of others will never work. He has no interest in how other people feel. He is entirely self-focused, so other people are merely an extension of himself, and he is unhappy, so everyone should be.
Finally I realized that the only way to change the behavior of a person who has no empathy is with real consequences. I can beg and plead with him, but until the court paperwork shows up, or the police get involved, or cps is called, he will not alter his behavior. He doesn't care about anyone but himself, so only through personal consequences will he find change in his best interest. He won't change until something happens to him.
There is nothing I can say, beg for, reason with, or do to change his behavior. Instead, I must step back, set boundaries, take care of myself, and let him suffer the consequences of his actions. Just like telling an alcoholic that you are worried about her, that she is hurting you, that she is impacting you or her children does not stop her drinking, but a DUI does, someone who only cares about herself will only find the desire to change through consequences. Your hurt feelings are not a consequence.
Now we're back to me. If I am not happy with the way things are going, it is up to me to let go of the upset, stop begging for change, stop trying to reason with him. It's my job to set boundaries that protect me and allow him to suffer his own consequences. It is not my job to protect him from these consequences. This is why there are laws. This is why there are punishments for crimes. Some people are not guided by their own sense of right and wrong. They are solely motivated by self-preservation, and he is one of them. His desire to preserve himself and stay out of trouble is likely the only thing that will incite change.
I said a few days ago, "the only way he can hurt me is with the kids, so he does." What it took me three days to realize is that he can't hurt me if I don't let him. If I no longer allow the hurt, if I let it go, he has nothing left. If I stop being hurt by him, angry at him, if I stop trying to reason with him, if I simply let go and live a loving life filled with joy, no matter what he does, I am free. I talk all day long about how he blames me for everything, yet I'm guilty of blaming him for something that isn't his responsibility, my upset.
He uses anger, guilt and shame to control people around him, always the victim. He counts on the kindness and sympathy of others to get what he wants, absolving himself of all responsibility for his own condition with stories of the repeated victimization that caused him to behave the way he has. He is angry because YOU make him angry. He justifies his bad behavior by making others responsible for it. Guilt, shame, and sympathy are powerful tools against kind people. Tools that don't work on me anymore. Not because I'm less kind, but because I'm only taking responsibility for myself. His problems are not my fault, and I refuse to accept blame for them.
I'm letting go of this guilt, this worry, this anger, and I am rejecting this blame. These emotions are not my own. I allowed him to bully and control me for much too long. They aren't my emotions, they are what he wrongly assigned to me because I let him. I am responsible for my own emotions, and he is responsible for his own actions, and though I have set boundaries that are uncomfortable for him, I have actually done nothing to him. I'm not fighting for my kids with him anymore, I'm choosing to not fight with him FOR my kids.
This morning I feel at peace. My motives are not so different from his, really... Self-preservation. This is a process. Untangling oneself after almost sixteen years of abuse and the thinking that kept me in it has not been easy. I've stumbled and even repeated the relationship in various ways, I was more comfortable being used and abused than I was being on my own. It's important to see people for who they are, and even more important to know oneself, and take responsibility for what we do that allows us to be manipulated, because it's definitely a two way street. There is only one person who controls me, and it's me. It always comes back to me.
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