Separation

It’s garbage day, and along with an overflowing yard waste can, I’m sending away separation. 

If you grew up without a family to whom you felt connected, you have probably lived your entire life feeling like you were on the outside looking in.That feeling of being part of a whole comes from family, in early childhood, so if you don’t have it, the best you can hope for (without therapy) is feeling close to groups of friends throughout your life. At least, that’s been my experience. 

I have fought for friends and friendships with a fierceness that was later embarrassing. Having abandonment issues has made it difficult to let anyone go. I long to feel loved, connected, and part of the whole. 

Not feeling entirely this way has caused me to lash out, as well. I’ve pushed people away because I didn’t think they wanted to be with me badly enough. It’s been an all or nothing venture. 

What I recently realized is that I am just as much a part of things as everyone else. Just because I can’t always feel safe and connected doesn’t mean that I’m separate. That separation is invented. The closeness I experience is the exact same closeness everyone experiences, mine is just laden with fear of loss and rejection. 

The wonderful thing about realizing one’s fears is that most of the time, it eliminates them. Last night I was feeling pretty damn separate from everything. My son and I were painting together andhis boyfriend was on speakerphone from New York. It got late and it was time to sleep. My son announced, “this is my family. When I grow up and think about my childhood family it will be this right here, and my sister. I love you so much.”

He was feeling very connected. As separate as I was feeling, I realized that through him, I was connected too, and that I’m connected to everyone in my Sonoma County family, and my Seattle family, my LA family, my New York family. I could go on, but the fact is that whether I feel it or not, I’m connected. We are in love. So I’m sending away my strange and upsetting feeling of being separate because it isn’t real and I have no use for it. Goodbye separation, I don’t need you anymore. I’m feeling very connected.