For a long time it was difficult for me to cut people out of my life. Especially the worst people. I was focusing on the wrong things. I always saw the wounded child in them and wanted to protect it. What I should have been doing is protecting the wounded child in myself.
I was listening to a talk last night and a woman said that she inherited a significant amount of money and was worried because she was giving it all away. She found herself surrounded by people with financial trouble. She wanted to help. The person advising her told her the most simple thing to change her mind. She said, "I know you want to help people, but you are a person and it's OK to help yourself."
After a lifetime of trying to help and forgive and do the right thing, I just realized that being "selfish" is sometimes the right thing. I don't have to give everything of myself, just because others are lacking. It has been my good fortune to always be stable and just as the woman found herself surrounded by people who needed money when she had money, I have found myself surrounded by unstable people.
My mom always told me that if I had a guest, I was to give them the best of everything. She said that if I cut something in half, give the bigger half to the other person. I have. In every way in my life, I have given the biggest half away. Sometimes the small half is enough, but what I'm realizing is that not everyone was raised to be generous, and more often than not, I've been left with the smaller portion.
I put myself out there, trusting the universe to return the favor. Usually it does. I've made a pretty great life for myself, by giving everything away. I think the thing that saved me was my kids. Through my desire to love and protect my kids, I've been forced to stand my ground when I have given the biggest portion away and the person comes back for more.
As I rediscover my sense of self, I am less inclined to give myself away. It feels nice to tell someone no, to make myself a priority. Actually, it feels weird. I've spent a lifetime going to the movie someone else wanted to see, eating at the restaurant they chose, paying more than my share of everything. What was I thinking?
Rather than be the bank, carved away by the river, I'm allowed to be the river sometimes. I've always wondered why my best times were always when I was not in a relationship. I get it now that I was never actually in a relationship. I only really exist as an individual, because when I am in a relationship I consistently acquiesce. My best times were when I was alone because those were my only times. The rest of the time I was merely a support system for whomever I was in the relationship with, the bank to their river, the one with the smaller half.
I attracted the takers because I was a giver, the weak because I was strong, the users because I was useful. I've recently learned a very good word, which I think will protect me and my too-big heart. The word is one that most people remember as the first word they ever spoke. The word is no. It is a powerful and simple word that stops the hands that grab. I use it now to choose who I want in my life. I only want people who can hear the word no without much fuss.
If I tell someone no and they keep pushing, it is obvious that they don't respect boundaries and will likely take advantage of me. I'll still likely say yes more than I should, but I'm not going to stick around. There are a lot of people on this planet, and I'm tired of collecting the worst ones. Yes, when you have money, everyone has a sob story, but my needs are important too, and I'm a person. If I say no and they leave, well, I know I shouldn't have said yes. People will come and go, and I'm excited to see who stays.
Prioritizing myself doesn't make me a bad person, it just makes me a person, and that's fantastic.
I was listening to a talk last night and a woman said that she inherited a significant amount of money and was worried because she was giving it all away. She found herself surrounded by people with financial trouble. She wanted to help. The person advising her told her the most simple thing to change her mind. She said, "I know you want to help people, but you are a person and it's OK to help yourself."
After a lifetime of trying to help and forgive and do the right thing, I just realized that being "selfish" is sometimes the right thing. I don't have to give everything of myself, just because others are lacking. It has been my good fortune to always be stable and just as the woman found herself surrounded by people who needed money when she had money, I have found myself surrounded by unstable people.
My mom always told me that if I had a guest, I was to give them the best of everything. She said that if I cut something in half, give the bigger half to the other person. I have. In every way in my life, I have given the biggest half away. Sometimes the small half is enough, but what I'm realizing is that not everyone was raised to be generous, and more often than not, I've been left with the smaller portion.
I put myself out there, trusting the universe to return the favor. Usually it does. I've made a pretty great life for myself, by giving everything away. I think the thing that saved me was my kids. Through my desire to love and protect my kids, I've been forced to stand my ground when I have given the biggest portion away and the person comes back for more.
As I rediscover my sense of self, I am less inclined to give myself away. It feels nice to tell someone no, to make myself a priority. Actually, it feels weird. I've spent a lifetime going to the movie someone else wanted to see, eating at the restaurant they chose, paying more than my share of everything. What was I thinking?
Rather than be the bank, carved away by the river, I'm allowed to be the river sometimes. I've always wondered why my best times were always when I was not in a relationship. I get it now that I was never actually in a relationship. I only really exist as an individual, because when I am in a relationship I consistently acquiesce. My best times were when I was alone because those were my only times. The rest of the time I was merely a support system for whomever I was in the relationship with, the bank to their river, the one with the smaller half.
I attracted the takers because I was a giver, the weak because I was strong, the users because I was useful. I've recently learned a very good word, which I think will protect me and my too-big heart. The word is one that most people remember as the first word they ever spoke. The word is no. It is a powerful and simple word that stops the hands that grab. I use it now to choose who I want in my life. I only want people who can hear the word no without much fuss.
If I tell someone no and they keep pushing, it is obvious that they don't respect boundaries and will likely take advantage of me. I'll still likely say yes more than I should, but I'm not going to stick around. There are a lot of people on this planet, and I'm tired of collecting the worst ones. Yes, when you have money, everyone has a sob story, but my needs are important too, and I'm a person. If I say no and they leave, well, I know I shouldn't have said yes. People will come and go, and I'm excited to see who stays.
Prioritizing myself doesn't make me a bad person, it just makes me a person, and that's fantastic.
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