It’s me.

It’s me because I let it be. Do I lie, take advantage of, use, cheat or hurt people? No. But it’s me, I’m doing this. I ignore the “red flags” because I choose to see the best in people. I ignore the signs because I'm looking for other things. I forgive the broken because I'm broken. It makes sense to me, we're all broken. But how broken is too broken? I think I know now.

My last two relationships ended badly, but I think maybe they both started badly, too. This is my own fault. I let people talk me into relationships that I don’t want. In fact, in all three of my relationships since my divorce, and even as far back as my husband, my answer when they asked me out was no.

But I’m nice and I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings without good cause. Unfortunately, I always eventually I have good cause, not to hurt, but to leave. Shortly after my marriage to my husband, he suffered some sort of ego blow and ended up miserable and unable to get out of bed for weeks. I should have left then, or when he threw the coffee table at me, or when he criticized me constantly and compared me to his 19 year old shop girl Annie, whom he paid $15 an hour to polish his dragsters braless in a tank top and whom he claimed was in love with him. He should have married Annie. Or Nancy, or Karen, or any of the women he would rather have been with. There were lots of times I should have left, but I saw the wounded child in him, and I believed all of his lies and feared his rage. Even years after our divorce he claimed to have loved me. His love was disgusting, hurtful and abusive. I was young. 

My next boyfriend actually was a sociopath and ended up being committed to a mental hospital where he shared a pay phone with a man who made goat sounds. I called him every day, because I saw the wounded child in him. 

After him, was a man so crazy and wounded that he had to be with me 24/7. He hated my friends and family and only loved me. I was his only friend in the entire world. I should have left him a dozen times, but that wounded child... I couldn’t.

The next one actually was my worst. And my best. He inspired my first al anon meeting, introduced me to codependency, and showed me what a narcissist is. I did so much for him it was embarrassing. And he used me and eventually tried to rob me. But he was abused as a child, and those who didn’t warn me of his addictions told me that he had a good heart. I put up with too much, but you know, wounded child and all that... I gave the wounded child back to his mommy and moved on. 

To another narcissist. I thought I knew better. He stalked my Facebook and pretended to be like me. He told me we were the same person. There were plenty of red flags- hell, he was two hours late for our first date and dumped me by text. He too had been abused as a child, so I let some shit slide, but my willingness to nurture broken men back to life only to be discarded or abused was fading. Eventually I just couldn’t see anything but the narcissist and I had to walk away. 

I’ve been out with a few men since him. Probably all had wounded inner children, so I haven’t really learned... What I have learned is that I can’t fix it. Hurt people hurt people, and as much as I’d like to try to help every wounded child, I’m gonna have to pass. 

I joked to a friend that the fact that my relationships are getting shorter is actually a great sign of healing. Or, I guess it’s just learning. There are a lot of broken people out there, but it’s not my job to fix them. 

My job is here with these beautiful children that I actually gave birth to, doing my best to guide them through their teen years. I don’t need more children, wounded or otherwise. My home, my health, my heart, my family, my friends, and my future are too important to compromise. 

I love that my most recent "relationship" lasted one date. Not because I didn’t like him, but because I didn’t like who I was when I was with him. I’ve got plans, and I need to focus on my future and my family. My kids need me more than ever, and I need to focus on them now.

All of my bad relationships were entirely my own fault. I allowed horrible things, boundaries were pushed if they ever existed. I essentially begged to be the empath to the narcissist. Let me help you, let me heal you, let me love you. I thought I could save them. I was wrong. 

Now I know better, and I’ll do better. I actually find it entertaining. You wouldn't believe how many soulmates I have. I'm a very lucky lady. My promise to myself is to actually hold people responsible for their shit. I'm going to speak up when I feel that something is not right. I owe it to myself. Either that or I'm going to block a hell of a lot of people until I figure this out.