Disgust

It's garbage day, and I'm sending away disgust. 

It doesn't feel good. A few days ago, I heard someone say that there are people in the world who go around looking for things to be offended by. Imagine that. 

Today I have a lot to be disgusted with, offended by, so much could upset me. Why on earth would I want it to? Why do I want to feel like? 

I spent a sleepless night wondering whether or not I'd remembered to put my son's pants in the dryer. As the garbage truck rumbled down the street, I went to put them in the dryer, so he'd have them to wear today. They were dry, waiting in the dryer. I was up all night off and on for no reason. The good news is that I wasn't thinking about more stressful and pressing issues which could easily have kept me awake. I choose to be happy that the chore is complete, my son will be happy, and extra sleep tonight sounds nice. I almost felt disgusted with myself for letting dryer anxiety rule my night, but I don't want it.

If I am in control of my own thoughts and feelings, why would I choose disgust? I want to feel happy and joyful. I want to feel good, and as the only person who gets to control me, I choose to. When I criticize, I hurt myself.

So many times I've been disgusted by so many things. What a waste of time and good feelings. Today I have to see my kids' father. I was thinking about how disgusted I was with him, and I felt horrible. Suddenly I realized that I don't have to feel like this. I can forgive him and release him from my expectations as a husband, a father, and a man. He doesn't have to live up to what I thought he should be, and I'm not connected to him anymore. 

Letting go of my disgust and resentment filled me with calm. Oh. It doesn't matter whether I love or hate him. I'm not him. It only matters that I love myself. Within my own self-love is plenty of room to forgive everything. Do I wish my kids had a better father? Absolutely! Am I attached to the outcome of whether or not he is the father I wish they had? No way. 

I will create a happy family and a memorable childhood, and do my best to love, support and be kind to our children. Being a mom is the best and most important job I've ever had (with apologies to all of my wonderful bosses who are reading this), and unfortunately it came with their dad. A father who disgusted me. Until now. 

I choose the calm and joy of motherhood. I choose to give these kids everything I can, to do my best for them. This is where my joy is. I don't need to carry the disgust anymore, that belongs to him, and I should have given it back when we got divorced. It's garbage day, and I'm sending away disgust, it takes up too much space, and doesn't bring me joy.